The Crazies: The Remake of the Original The Crazies

I like horror films, but only of specific ilks. The Crazies wasn’t of the ilk I expected. The ilk that i enjoy most is the cerebral horror film, like Silence of the Lambs, The Cell, and Jesus Camp.

Scariest. Movie. Ever.

If it’s not cerebral I enjoy creative and gory deaths, the works of Robert Zombie and Eli Roth are in my opinion romping good times. I also hate the Saw series because it tries to be both cerebral and violent and fails miserably and ends up being stupid and lame.

I didn’t expect The Crazies to be particularly cerebral but I definitely expected it to be violent and filled with cool gore. the trailers all seemed to point in that direction with pitchforks being dragged across floors and things of that nature. Turns out The Crazies wasn’t like that but instead was closer to my least favorite flavor of horror film, the cheap jump scare bullshit flavor, the only think that saves The Crazies really is it’s R rating which gives us some good use of guns and a surgical saw thing.

That thing can fuck up a dude's neck

Jump scares are cheap, easy, and pass after the initial jolt, and if you hate that initial jolt it’s almost impossible to sit through. For some people that shit is okay it’s the brand of bullshit that makes The Ring and all those other remakes of Asian horror flicks possible and successful, but they bring nothing to the table. Jump scares are the Gallagher watermelon gag of the horror genre.

Stupid people love this and the Grudge

Luckily, past the method of “scaring” the audience The Crazies has some pretty good ideas. It’s like a zombie movie but you give the zombies guns and a sense of vengeance. This is a cool idea because give any monster guns it becomes better, they should start doing that more often, give Cujo a back mounted gatling gun and set him loose on that lame kid, that shit would be rad.

Also Vampires with guns are better in my opinion

The vengeance idea is really the best part of The Crazies but the writers and the director inevitably use it as a throw away bit. This could have made the movie something more than it was if the vengeance angle was explored a bit more. Think about it, what if that neighbor who you always argue with about his bushes blocking your view or the owner of the dog you accidentally killed with you car stopped caring about the law or human morals and decided to pick up a pick axe and attack you and your family. That’s pretty scary if you ask me.

Instead they went with the “ZOMG the military is so bad, 9/11 was an inside job, the guvment is bad durp durp durp” theme. It’s been done, we get it the government does things people don’t like but we already see real atrocities going on in the news every day, we don’t need Hollywood creating more for sub par horror flicks.

This guy is good though

The Crazies is okay I guess, don’t pay more than a standard rental fee to see it though, it definitely isn’t worth seeing in theaters like I did.


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