Old Dogs: An Unbelievably Bad Movie

Does anyone remember when John Travolta was cool. Here is a test: Think about the last time you enjoyed a John Travolta performance.

If he was riding a motorcycle with his best buddies, give yourself ONE point.

If he was dancing with “Wildman” Walken in a fat lady suit, give yourself THREE points.

If he was an alien give yourself ONE point.

If he was a mobster trying to make a movie with Gene Hackman give yourself TEN points.

If you have less than TEN points you fail, go away you have terrible taste in movies and will probably have a genuinely good time watching Old Dogs.

Okay now that we have weeded out all the people who suck at watching movies we can get back to discussing Johnny Travs.

I really like this movie

Get Shorty was the last time John Travolta didn’t come off as desperate and creepy. that was in 1995, he’s spent fifteen years fucking up that second chance Tarantino gave him.

When was the last time Robin WIlliams did a good job as an actor? Holy shit it was in 2009 but it certainly wasn’t in Old Dogs, it was in the dark hilarious Bobcat Goldthwait flick Worlds Greatest Dad. That’s the disturbing thing about Robin Williams, we’ve come to expect this sort of bullshit from Travolta, but Williams has proven again and again that he can act, but it seems that shit like Old Dogs, RV, License to Wed, Man of the Year, and Patch Adams (just to name a few) are so down right atrocious they make us forget about his great performances in Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, Good Morning, Vietnam, and Robots.

Just kidding, he was annoying as hell in Robots

Well Old Dogs is fucking awful. Walt Becker has crafted a film that isn’t funny, makes no consistent sense, is occasionally racist… you know what I take that back, this movie wasn’t crafted, it was formed, in the same way a dog forms a spiraling turd.

Funnier and less disgusting than Old Dogs

Old Dogs tells the story of two best friends and business partners who are trying to make a very important business deal with offensively stereotypical Japanese business men.

Not THIS offensive but pretty damn close

No wait Old Dogs is about Robin Williams having 7-year-old kids he didn’t know about because he had drunken, unprotected sex with a woman he just met while irresponsibly partying in Mexico.

Yes Disney is apparently saying "Unprotected Sex! Don't worry everything will work out just fine!"

Hold up no it’s a movie about aging men trying desperately to stay cool, wait no it’s about camping, no golf no John Stamos’ t.v. wife, no it’s about Luis Guzman eating dog biscuits, no it’s about really stupid kids messing with their dad’s medication.

Yes Disney apparently tells kids "Look at the hilarious shenanigans that occur when you switch daddies pills around"

Old Dogs has a serious case of multiple personalities. Now i know you need variety to creat comedy but in Old Dogs the variety has no purpose (nor is it particularly comedic), there is no connective tissue between one scene and the next, it’s really shitty filmmaking.

I guess that would be my quotation for the poster if they asked for one from me for this flick. “It’s really shitty filmmaking” – The Happygerbaloon from The Internet!

YET THERE IS HOPE!!!! The great Tim Heidecker created a song:

I love that song, and it turns out you can play it in a few places throughout Old Dogs to create instant, uproarious, laughter. Here is the list of points to start the song:

1. After Robin rubs shit on his face, then they start walking in slow motion – play until Justin Long shouts “Prison rules!” You know because Ultimate Frisbee is often played in prison.

2. When the great Bernie Mac disgraces himself from beyond the grave for a puppet show, play until they get back stage.

3. When Travolta puts on a robo suit to control Robin Williams because he is such a shitty father he is incapable of playing with his daughter, start the song when the inevitable dancing sequence begins, end the song when Robin “hilariously” falls on his ass.

4. The Gorilla scene (actually pretty much any time you see Seth Green play a little bit of the song

5. At any point that you are so sick of hearing the unfunny jokes and inane banter that you would rather listen to Tim Heidecker grunt and howl.

This piece of cinematic bile is only to be viewed with like-minded friends in order that it may be mocked mercilessly.

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