Everyone knows about Twilight. Even if you are a self-respecting human being (meaning you haven’t read the books) you know that it’s the story of a girl and a “vampire” dude who’s 100 years her senior falling in love despite no odds. I’ve never had any interest in this malarkey but with each passing day the latest film makes more money and I feel as a pop-culture obsessed young gent I owe it to myself to suffer through what turned out to be a cinematic execration.

I don’t feel I need to explain the story of this movie to you, my dear reader, especially since the basic plot is explained 120 times a day via Burger King commercial. So lets just jump right into this with the assumption that you know what the hell is going on.

My initial response to this film is that it is ugly, everything is the ugliest shade of blue I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen my fair share of blue. Everyone looks gross blue, it’s like Underworld but without vampires… wait this is supposed to have vampires.

Why do the main characters look like they are going to puke all the time, why don’t they puke, I’d love this movie if Bella and Edward puked on each other every 5 minutes, Twilight would be funnier than The Jerk.

A movie that is better than Twilight

I watch movies for many reasons. One of them is for good acting, some movies have great acting There Will Be Blood, Good Fellas, and Bonnie and Clyde, other movies have good acting Sin City, Gladiator, anything with Harrison Ford, at the other end of this spectrum you have the phoned in bored bullshit of Twilight. I bring this up not because I need to beat a dead horse, but because I wanted to list some films you should watch other than Twilight.

A couple of months ago I was at my local electronics and entertainment and books store and they had a Twilight action figure section. The Edward figure looked like Jim Jarmusch, and now having seen the movie I can say that Robert Pattinson looks like Jim Jarmusch. I wonder if girls would get all hot and bothered over this guy if they knew that in 20 years he’s gonna look like this.

All you "Team Edward" people have THIS to look forward to

God damn you Anna Kendrick you were really good in Up in the Air in this you are not, mathematically Anna Kendrick’s improvement is like 6000% better between this ugly blue mess and Up in the Air.

Another movie better than Twilight

I like Kristen Stewart, she plays impetuous teen well, in other movies (Adventureland, Into the Wild, Zathura) in this she is bland as hell. I’m gonna guess this lack of any identifying personality traits is on purpose because it’s easier for the lonely fans of this crap to imprint themselves on her and feel like the pale dude  is really in love with them.

Holy crap another movie better than Twilight

Catherine Hardwicke directed this “movie” (I use the term movie lightly because it’s obvious that Twilight is more a 2 hour please the sad lonely fans event than it is an actual movie, like The Sting or Baseketball). She also directed Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown, and The Nativity Story. I’ve seen Thirteen and I dug that flick despite itself. It meandered and was ugly, but not so ugly that it becomes interesting (like a Harmony Korine flick) but just kind of ugly. It seems that Hardwicke can make a good movie when given good material but if she has shit material, she just bogs it all down with all the ugliness she apparently thinks is artistic.

So Twilight is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, it’s better than Transformers 2 for virtue that Twilight doesn’t feature a series of racist caricatures and it’s not close to 3 hours long, but Twilight is worse than The Village, so Twilight is officially the SECOND worst film I have ever seen.

It's really hard for me to say this but The Village is better than Twilight

I slogged through the first one. I do not see myself suffering through any of the others, much like Bob Marley albums, one is enough.


4 Responses to “Twilight”

  1. james kushman Says:

    I’m suprised you didn’t make the connection between the harry potter series and twilight. Bellas a boy potter! And neither rowlings nor meyer have any actualy talent.

    • I disagree with that Bella is boring, and while Harry isn’t the most interesting or detailed character at least the things he does and the adventures he goes on are interesting and not god awful, i’ve never read the Twilight books but if the events in the film coincide with the events in the book they are unbearable boring. At least Potter doesn’t sit around moping and staring at things.

  2. Puking WOULD make the movie about a billion times better. As we’ve discussed time and again, puking is the funniest thing in the world.

  3. You are lucky you do not live in los angeles. i get to see ads on every street for the past two years. to think that ten years ago our annual franchise was lord of the rings, and we are supposed to get excited for this.

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